Is it different now?

by andrewmam

It’s 4 long weeks since Massive Monkees day and I haven’t danced since…well, I went out like once or twice, entered a jam on the 28th, and taught a private lesson yesterday, but no practice whatsoever. And truthfully I feel a little crazy! I’m watching old footage of myself and trying to remember the state of mind I was in. 

There was this one battle, in August 2010, against a friend of mine Roe from Headhunters. It was an all-styles exhibition battle at Voodoo Lounge between two of San Jose’s finest. I watched my last round, and tried to put myself back in those shoes. I had just returned from my Euro backpack trip, and earned stripes at the Style Elements Anniversary (a year before I got into the crew). But the part that stuck out to me most was the use of the hybrid third eye handshake/signal at the end…only Hybrid cats would know what that is lol. 

It used to be so spiritual to me…everything was about opening the third eye and letting myself get free. That’s where this style came from, openness. Is it different now? I still feel free when I dance, but maybe I don’t value it as much anymore. I wonder if that’s an effect of getting older. I was just turning 21 that year in 2010. And now I’m 24, graduate(d), and about to move into the professional world. Is it fear of losing touch with the purity I used to chase, and even sometimes arrogantly claim? 

Perhaps I must practice in my actions more than in my words my commitment to the spiritual path of a dancer like myself. I was never groomed to be a perfect, clean bboy/dancer. I was raised by circumstance, privilege, mentors, and a thirst of knowledge to translate into my own life because doing so felt good…I feel so overwhelmed nowadays that my thirst isn’t as prevalent. I don’t feel it dance-wise because of how spread thin I am. Damn, I need to meditate more. I feel a bit lost because I have not made the time to cultivate that important side of myself. It also could be that I just haven’t been dancing…and I’m going nuts because of it. Dang. 

This post has no conclusions, maybe when I edit it. I’m flowing with a stream of consciousness and that’s it.